So, after seeing the Star Wars: Clone Wars film (though “film” is probably too generous a description), I think I deserve millions of dollars since I think I can write a Star Wars movie just as good as George Lucas can. Here’s a brief outline of how such a film, if doing it how George Lucas does films, would go:

-Opening Crawl, accompanied by triumphant music and goofy names (or, in the case of Clone Wars, a goofy narrator SPEAKING the opening crawl in contrast to the rest of the series), making the goofier names even goofier-sounding when they’re actually spoken out loud.

-CRASH BOOM POW DIE! Action sequence!

-Brief, talky expositional scene. “Actors” should be as bland as possible when speaking. Faces should convey no emotion whatsoever.

-CRASH BOOM POW DIE! Action sequence!

-Longer talky expositional scene. “Actors” should be as bland as possible when speaking. Faces should convey no emotion whatsoever.

-Brief talky expositional scene. “Actors” should speak their dialogue with a tone of voice that implies they really want to get the scene done with because they’ve got Baseball tickets. Be sure to mention a “disturbance” at least once.

-CRASH BOOM POW DIE! Action sequence!

-Repeat steps 2-7 at least six times. Sprinkle in droid humor when appropriate (or when it’s most inappropriate).

-CRASH BOOM POW YOU’RE BREAKING MY HEART! Action sequence with forced dialogue that’s supposed to be emotional but doesn’t convey any emotion whatsoever!

-Characters standing dramatically. Triumphant music and end credits!

Movie producers, feel free to contact me on appropriate payment methods so I can begin writing my own science fiction epic.

AFTERWORD: Anakin’s padawan, Ahsoka Tano, was actually quite badass. Only redeemable trait of the whole thing, IMHO.

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